Ever Get the Feeling You're Still Not There?

You know that feeling of accomplishment you get when you wake up and realize, "Wow, I really have my shit together"? You landed the promotion, have a happy relationship, a good group of friends, a few hobbies that don't involve terrible weekend hangovers, get your oil changed every 3k miles and contribute 6% to your 401k. You've got it down.

Ever feel like you're still not there? That all of the above is just a conformation to what's expected of you, but you still haven't quite found your niche, the one thing that's going to give you purpose and keep each day from blending into the next?

I have a fortune from a fortune cookie in the clear plastic window where my driver's license belongs in my wallet. Right over my over-exposed face against the bright blue background is a small scrap of shiny paper with the printed pink words: "You are almost there."

Those printed pink words have been taunting me for the last 3 years. Mostly because I know they're still true.

I'm not a quirky person. I don't have any kind of interest that makes me a "type" (other than Type A). I like to do certain things that others don't (hike, camp, garden, cook) but I'm not Amazon woman living off the land somewhere in South America or frolicking with lions and gazelles in South Africa. I like the ocean: swimming in it, kayaking in it, boating in it. I'm not going to go live in Bali in a house on stilts and surf every day. But those all sound like attractive things, if only I really LOVED something that much.

So maybe the problem isn't that I'm not there, just that I lack passion. But after living on the planet for this much time, shouldn't I have one by now? I want to have a purpose that's bigger than making enough money to be comfortable. I want to have a purpose that I WANT to have.

I don't think I'm even almost there.